Party Tricks
by legendarytobes
Summary: When Ella runs out of beer, she asks Lucifer if he can also make wine out of water...


**Party Tricks**

For the Lucifer Bingo Prompt of "Messiah"

"I'm out, dude."

Lucifer sighed and glared at the small fridge in Miss Lopez's modest apartment. "I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or relieved. Since the all night poker-a-thon has gone longer than I anticipated, and now I don't have anything left to me in my flask or my back up flask, I was hoping for more spirits." He grimaced. "Even if the Corona you own could only be described as swill."

"Beer's good, and sometimes you just want something that'll get you drunk," she replied sliding back down onto the couch with him. She picked up her cards and shrugged. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy having an open tab at Lux and access to top shelf, but sometimes a girl just wants to slum it."

"I'm sure," he said, setting down his cards. "I suppose I could nip over to the nearest liquor store around here. It would still be swill, but at least it would accomplish the job." 

"Can you even get drunk?"

"Not on mere mortal amounts, only the type that would literally rot a human liver. However, I do enjoy the taste. Having come topside when water still had things floating in it and before modern plumbing…mead existed for a reason, Miss Lopez."

She chuckled and then frowned, her fingers tracing over the crucifix around her neck. Lucifer waited, patient despite what Chloe said about him and his kindergarten level attention span. Since he'd come back, after a long two years he'd rather never think about again, and since Ella had _known_, she sometimes peppered him with questions. In a fit of pique early upon her knowing, Lucifer had spilled the beans about Azrael so, to be fair, his sister rightfully had fielded the bulk of Ella's faith questions. Still, she couldn't resist, scientist that she was, and he'd get the weirdest inquiries. If it were from anyone else, he'd have bristled and brushed them off, but, more often than not, he humored her.

Like he would have done and had with Rae Rae eons ago.

"Can I ask something?"

"You're going to anyway, _chica_, so out with it? What would you like to know about this time?"

She frowned. "It's okay, I don't have to, you know, if it's like totally awkward."

"It is not a hardship for you, Miss Lopez. I understand it comes from a believer's needs. So, hit me."

She grinned a little, and he bet she was thinking of their one black jack outing long ago. "I…can you turn water into wine?"

Lucifer barked out a laugh. He'd not been expecting that one. "Beg pardon?"

"I mean, okay, if Jesus could turn water into wine at the wedding, like, could you do that too? You're brothers." She looked down at her fingernails. "Maybe that made more sense in my head. Forget I asked."

He could do that, but he was honestly more amused by her question than anything else. "I only talked with my half-brother once, and, I suppose, it was not under the best of circumstances."

"In the desert."

He nodded. "Got that in one, _chica_." Lucifer leaned back on the sofa and crossed one long leg over the other. "Sometimes, it is actually easier dealing with someone from a religious background, at least one who lacks the kind of judgment you see in zealots."

"Thanks, I think?"

"Well, biased as the Bible might be against me, where I do appear, at least you have the backstory down. Even now, there are things I have to fill the detective in on. But, yes, the desert temptation story did happen, although by now I am sure you've figured out that it wasn't exactly as it was presented."

Ella's eyes grew wide and she pulled her knees up to her chest. "Then what did happen? What is he like?"

Lucifer shook his head and tried to chase the vertigo away. He had patrons at Lux act that way when they had live music who wasn't him or an especially celebrated DJ, whenever there was a desired _introduction _in order. Ella was no less star struck, which made sense. "Determined, stubborn even, and naïve."

"Naïve?"

"Well, he was going to listen to anything Dad asked of him. I wasn't…I wasn't offering temptation. I think you'll find that's not my deal. I find what _you all_ want, well minus the detective, and then endeavor to trade favors to help appease desires. I don't put a bug in your ear to commit sins you never would have."

"I know, had that spiel, bro."

"It was the same with him. I just…you think I couldn't tell the type of torture our Father was dreaming up? I burned for millennia, Miss Lopez, and sometimes it _still _aches, and I was an archangel. I was designed to take serious damage. Someone half-human was not. I had no interest in seeing anyone suffer; I still don't, at least where innocents were concerned. Besides, had to respect someone who hated hypocrisy in those money changers. I like someone who pushes for honesty."

"So, did you go to him?"

"Took forty days and found a way to slip by Amenadiel's grasp, yes. I was trying to argue my half-brother out of being so stubborn. There was no need to martyr himself. Dad could forgive anything if He so chose, blood sacrifice not needed. I…" he gestured to the necklace. "it's a pretty pendant now, but two thousand years ago, I assure you that crucifixions were a brutal way to die. And you humans and your ingenuity…your genius for being cruel to each other still never surprises me. Demons never would have thought that rot up. I certainly didn't."

She paled and frowned back at him. "I mean, okay, sure. I've gone through the stations of the cross and, well, my abuelita is pretty into _The Passion of the Christ_ and that looked gnarly. I understand the principle of crucifixion, where you suffocate to death."

"It takes days, Miss Lopez. Days."

She blinked up at him, eyes going wide. "You watched." 

Lucifer sighed and looked down at his hands. "I tried to offer him an out because _nothing_ pleases Dad, believe me. He didn't take it. I…when the time came, I didn't want him to be alone with the blood thirsty crowd. I'm sure his infernal counterpart was little comfort." Lucifer shrugged. "I did get a bit of pleasure from finding Judas. A flash of my true face and he was more than happy to hang himself and get the permanent stay in my domain started." He grinned at that, and he knew it was one hundred percent feral.

He couldn't help it sometimes; he was what he was.

Ella gulped, her eyes so wide that he wasn't sure she was going to be able to focus them again. "I…wow."

He checked his watch. "Dearie me, it's getting on toward one a.m. Perhaps I should call it a night. I may have blown your mind a bit on accident, _chica_."

"No, it's not that. I just, huh, the Bible misses the part where-"

"I cared? It does tend to do that. Don't get me started on the story of Job. Dad's…he loves his humans. I don't doubt that. I suppose that's where all my trouble started. He loves you lot best, gave you more. I doubt you've anything to ever fear from him, but his ineffable plans have always seemed needlessly cruel to me. What happened with his favorite lamb seems to prove that, if you ask me."

Ella surprised him by launching herself at him and hugging him around the middle. Lucifer froze as he did both with her and Trixie; he'd probably never be a hugger after eons of being stuck in Hell. It flummoxed him, although, he was learning to bear it when it came from certain tiny Latina ladies in his life at least.

"Bring it here, buddy. I…you tried! That matters."

"Alas, Miss Lopez, you cannot talk a martyr out of their path. Then again, I suppose if it appeases Father so that humans may keep entering the Silver City…so that the people I care about can go there, then it has its purpose too, barbaric as that might be."

She squeezed him one last time and, pulling back, pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "So, you can't turn water into wine?"

"Alas, no."

"What all can you do?" She wrinkled her nose up a bit like a rabbit. "I mean you can definitely desire mojo people and get them to talk too much. I've seen that. You have wings and the feathers at the loft crime scene now actually make sense. So flying and being fast comes with that territory. You're obviously wicked strong and can take bullets and other damage cause, again, see that loft. Is that it?"

"You sound disappointed."

"Maybe I want the free and easy liquor."

He smirked. "I can do many things-superior senses, at least for the dark since Hell is hardly bright; a bit of telekinesis for smaller things like lock tumblers; I always know when someone's lying; anything with light or fire responds well to me-"

"So pyromania?" 

"Have you a cigarette?"

Ella pulled a cigar box out from under her coffee table and he smirked when she pulled out a joint. He should have known. "Will this do?"

He nodded and concentrated for a moment on the roach. In a second, it had sparked to life and was burning. Ella squealed her approval and brought it to her mouth, taking in a deep inhale before passing the dutchie to him.

"Still awesome," she chirped as he took his turn to inhale. "Anything else?" 

"I'm not a bloody vending machine." Besides, he was not discussing anything with her ever about his full devilish side. It was something he'd tried to bury deep in Hell when he'd come home. It, well, flared up occasionally, and it was there to draw on should any demon or demigod be so utterly daft as to threaten him or his family in Los Angeles, but only Chloe, Linda, Mazikeen, and Amenadiel knew how bad it could all get, and Lucifer preferred it that way. He rolled his eyes. "My buckets of powers aren't good enough?"

"I still can't get high on them!"

"Well, to be fair, some people go loopy for the divinity of my wings. I think you're a bit immune since you must have spied Rae Rae's at eight. Most humans, once they see angel wings, want to sit and pet them all day. Forever. I've heard it's quite a pleasurable funk you get in. Since I'm an archangel, with normal people, it would render you quite blissed out."

She snickered back at him. "I am normal."

"Jury's probably out on that. Don't know many normal birds who speak fluent Klingon."

"It's a great hobby, and you really took after _Red Dwarf_ when I showed it to you. _Who_ too so don't pretend you're not a nerd."

"I have style and taste. Besides, I think Tennant's charm wears a bloke down." Lucifer smirked back at her. "However, I guess I can do one more thing." He glanced at the TV and his smirk grew when it blared to life in front of her.

Ella jumped and annoyed him a bit by crossing herself and cursing in Spanish. "Holy crap!" She shouted enthusiastically when she recovered. "How'd you do that?"

He chuckled, a low and warm sound that usually would land any woman or man he chose in his bed, but he was past his cad days now and Ella was like a sister to him. "I can turn anything on, Miss Lopez. It works for cars and heavy machinery as well, I assure you."

"You'd be the ultimate car thief. I wish I'd known you in Detroit. We could have boosted stuff so fast."

"I assume you're joking."

She bit her lip and squirmed a little in her guilt. "A little? It's probably better we're both on the right side of the law now." She leaned over and hugged him again, which just wrinkled his suit before he straightened it once more. "So, you're like a supernatural version of the clapper?"

"The what now?"

"Oh, right, you missed the 80s. I mean that song 'Clap on, clap off, the Clapper?' It was like this thing for old people, my _tía_ and my _abuela_ still have them. You attach this thing to your lights and then you just clap once and on they go."

"You're comparing the literal powers of creation that run through me to a bad infomercial for the elderly?"

"My _abuela_ swears by hers. It's a total lifesaver late at night!"

Lucifer sighed and leaned back on the sofa. Waving his arm, he forced the TV to start up Netflix without even using the remote. It was technically turning a program on, after all. "You just don't appreciate me appropriately, Miss Lopez."

"Make free wine, and we'll talk then." She curled up next to him much the same way Trixie did on nights she dragged him into watching _Frozen_ or _Lilo and Stitch_. Dad help him if those two ever teamed up against him. "Now, boot up _Supernatural_. That's next on my list!"

"As you wish, _chica_, as you wish."


End file.
